On not being where YOU want to be

Gosh, this is a hard post to write.

Writing this post feels like a failure to me. I want to share this though, because maybe I’m not the only one. Maybe there’s others out there who feel this way too.

I am having a HARD time losing this baby weight. I’ve lost weight, yes. I’ve lost almost 30 pounds since Pierce was born.

It’s more than the fat gains from pregnancy, it’s the actual structural changes of your body, the excess skin (yes, really, extra skin)!

Then there’s those of us who endured surgery to have our children. So, for me, there’s the changes that a nearly 11 pound baby made … and a big scar that has created what can only be described as a shelf that hangs over my lower body.

I’m literally crying as I type this.

The C-Section is the WORST aspect of this. The skin just hangs over that scar. Yes, there’s fat. But mostly, theres just extra skin that was produced to accommodate baby. It is loose and weird feeling. I know it’s gross.

But this is real life. I’m a real person. I had a big baby.

I know what you’re thinking. You should have eaten better while pregnant, worked out more.

I didn’t eat poorly while pregnant. I ate mostly organic foods, healthy stuff with the exception of a Chick-fil-a craving here and there. I walked … a ton. I never ate chips. I think I had gelato in Italy and that was it for ice cream. I never drank soda. I had water … tons of water.

If I’m being even more honest, my only vice was really a pancake craving that last 4 weeks (and I only indulged in once a week during that time) and a pad thai craving that was off and on for a week at a time throughout my second and third trimesters.

No, I didn’t have gestational diabetes. No, I didn’t have preeclampsia. Mercifully, I had no complications, just an abundance of fluid (polyhydrosis) because, as my doctor said, “You have a big baby and well, big babies pee a lot.”

So here I am. I still cry when I see pictures of me that really reflect a positive change since I had Pierce, but are nevertheless not to my standard. I need to do better I tell myself.

WHY AM I NOT THERE YET? I get so angry and mad, and ultimately, kind of depressed about it.

I workout, yeah. I run miles on a treadmill multiple times a week. I peloton on the days I don’t run. I take one day off, usually Sunday. But I guess that’s not enough. I guess the salads that comprise 99% of my diet are not enough.

I have stretch marks that look like I got malled by a tiger. They are … my entire stomach. It’s kind of debilitating. Yes, I used bio oil, lotion, olive oil, body butter my entire pregnancy.

Did I mention I had a big, healthy baby?

So, in my quest to get my blog going, I am constantly battling a feeling of physical inadequacy and unwillingness to put myself out there. Instead of keeping it to myself, I wanted to share with you a real life struggle.

I am *this* close to hiring a personal trainer. I don’t know what else to do.

I have to thank my husband, who is full of grace and love, and tells me he already sees a huge change and “Brooke you got cut open, I watched it, give yourself time”. It’s really kind, honestly. My son IS just under 4 months old.

But, I can’t stand to live like this. I don’t see other women struggle this badly. Others seem to spring back in a month.

I’m interested in what you do? Anyone else have advice?

Despite ALL of this … I wouldn’t trade any of this at all. I love my son and I’m grateful God gave me the health and the body that was his home for 9 precious months.



One thought on “On not being where YOU want to be

  1. Brooke- your post was a struggle a lot of mom’s including myself went through after having a C-Section and trying to battle the first few months of being a new mom and the exhaustion and no “me time” hours that go along with that. You are human and yes there was a before baby body. However, because I know you personally I know your determination. Writing how you feel is another great step in overcoming what you internalize. I am so proud of you. You are a wonderful mother with an extraordinary son and a husband that loves you so very much with a family that does as well. You are doing wonderful. Remember it took 9 months to have your son with overcoming a surgery. Give yourself time and keep working hard. You’ll see the results all of us are already seeing. xoxo

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